My experience of being single in my 30s

A while ago, I read a really good essay about being single in your 30s, and I really liked it. But now, I can’t find it, which sparked me to share about my own thoughts about being single in my 30s. 

This is not a sad story, nor a happy story. It’s just a story, or really, just a part of my story.

So first, what’s unique about being single in your 30s, like, what’s different about being single in your 30s compared to your 20s, or your 50s? Ok, so the most unique thing about it is that it truly is the time where most people in your peer group (across countries and cultures) are definitely boo-ed up, and happy about it. They are in love, maybe making some babies, taking trips; or getting dogs, plants, houses, etc.; and ultimately, building a life together as companions - how ever that looks for them. This is a time of peak growth for many people in many different aspects - career, love, stability, etc. Now, this may be similar to people in their 40s and 50s, but we also see a lot of messiness during those times (maybe this is just my observation, since most of my friends are not in this age group). People are getting divorces sometimes, separating, having affairs, dealing with older children becoming adults, financial complexities, etc. 

So back to me: it’s hard to not feel a little bit isolated as a single person in my 30s. I’m super happy for all my friends who are paired up, and it is natural that I also want that. I want to have someone to share life with, to be intimate with, someone who knows and adores me for everything I am - my half orange, as we say in Spanish. I want someone who cares about what I ate for breakfast, and who knows my quirks (these are truly the most intimate of knowings - for any social relationship, lol). There are so many things that I feel ready for - but I am not doing them because I am kind of waiting for a partner. I want to settle in a small home, I want to have a garden and build stalwart community, I want to have a baby. I've always wanted this, alongside all the other things I have wanted to do, be, and see. How long do I wait before I decide I am going to just do these things on my own, alongside my chosen sisters and brothers and siblings? It's interesting, we live in a time and place that has encouraged me to pursue all my economic and professional dreams. I am so grateful for that. Is it ok that I don't want to pursue all that right now? Is it ok that after earning two masters degrees and working in public health and education for a decade, that I feel confused about how I want to "earn a living"? Is it ok that I would prefer to engage in more domestic work (running a home, garden, taking care of my health, building family and community)? The answer is, of course, a resounding yes. Do not let 2nd-wave feminism fool you. We live in a time and place (late-stage capitalism) where all of these activities are, in some way, against the grain.

The article that I liked (which I cannot find) talked a lot about the pros and cons of being single versus being in relationship. One of the things she talks about is forgetting how to be in relationship. This is something that I think about a lot. Am I so happy being single, and now so rigid in my ways, that perhaps being in relationship will be unenjoyable? Or will the positives of the relationship outweigh these bumps? There’s no point in projecting all this, but these are thoughts that sometimes drift in my mind.

I have a lot to offer, I know my worth, and I love myself. I will only settle for someone who is on my level, is available, and has gifts to offer. Someone who has worked on themself, knows what they want and need, and can communicate that. Someone who has similar values to me, but challenges me to continue to grow, learn and love. Someone who enjoys the same things I do, but can also show me new joy. Someone who can support me professionally, and maybe collaborate. I have to be patient. I have to accept and really trust that it will happen at the right time. When I get sad about it, I have to be grateful for everything in my life that I have been blessed with and have cultivated. I have to remind myself that there are pros and cons to everything in life - including being in a relationship. I have to remind myself that being alone - and being happy alone - comes with so many benefits. And at the end of the day, I am never truly alone.

I look forward to my next relationship, and I trust that I will be divinely guided in all my life decisions until that happens. I don't do the app or online thing. I'm not against it, I just still believe that my most cherished connections [both romantic and platonic] are ones that happen a little more organically, intentionally, and off-screen. I look forward to being in love, and exploring all of that with the perspectives and life experiences that I have now as a 30-something. I look forward to pushing boundaries, creating dynamics that are new, healthy, and stable yet exciting. For now, I’m going to try my best to stay in the present moment, be guided by love and not fear, and put myself in more social environments that allow me to meet new like-minded [earth] people. Wish me luck. ;)