On embracing my French-American and Mexican-American ethnic identities

November 21, 2014

On embracing my French-American and Mexican-American ethnic identities

I was raised by a poor single father who we can describe as “old stock American,” a mix of western and northern European origins, mostly French and a little German. His last name is very German. He worked in construction my whole life. I was raised by him and his mother in inland California. When I was about 16, a voracious desire to learn all things Latin American struck me, and so I went for it: I read Latin American news sources, I learned Spanish fluently, became well-versed in Spanish-language pop culture/media; and tried to get a basic understanding of general Latin American history, economics, and foreign relations. I even started learning Portuguese.

Grandma, Daddy, n Me

In high school, and even now, people always ask me what started this. These kinds of questions, like “what made you want to become an engineer, a doctor, an actress, X, Y, Z;” are always hard to answer, and they’re almost never simple. Similarly, the "what is your background" question - which I never am bothered by - is difficult to answer.

I was not raised by my mother; my dad got full custody of me when I was 3 and a half years old. My mother was raised by her French mother and her Mexican father in a small Mexican neighborhood in Emporia, Kansas. She grew up speaking French and Spanish, and spoke to me in Spanish when I was a small child. Like my grandmother, she was very “French,” holding onto many customs, lifestyle, and culinary traditions. But that was only because she decided to learn them and hold on. By default - she was more “Mexican,” due to being raised by a Mexican father in an all-Mexican town. That was a very big part of her identity, and has been throughout her adulthood.

My grandparents, my mom (top), and three of her seven siblings

While I wasn’t raised by her – I feel very connected to those parts of her. She spoke to me in Spanish as a baby/small child, so that was my first language. I feel that parts of my life are very “Old World,” like the way I like to dress, some of the foods I eat, my medicine, my fragrances, my romance, my desire to walk and take public transportation. I also feel very connected to a White Latina or Mexican identity, with the revival of my Spanish language as a teenager and my general connection to all things Latin American or Latinx.

Grandma and mama in Paris, 1960s

The time has come for me to embrace this ethnic and historical complexity and perhaps sharing it with others. While I still identify as White and with the privileges that come with that (because I am clearly "white passing"), I have also taken on a half French-Mexican-American identity, and feel very comfortable with that. As Dr. David Hayes-Bautista says, I "Latino," like a verb.

My grandpa, mom, and her baby brother

When Latinxs here in the US, especially older women on the bus/Metro, used to ask me if I had any Latinx origin and I would say no – they wouldn’t believe me – they would say “somewhere, someone in your ancestry was of Latin American/Latinx origin!” I would laugh, knowing my history but not really sharing it, feeling a bit of guilt about taking on a label that was not truly mine to take on. They would feel settled after my response by saying “Entonces eres latina del alma;” “you are Latina in your soul/spirit/heart.” Then, just this year, I started to add: “Well, my mom is actually Mexican, culturally.” Now they say “ah, ahora tiene sentido, viste? Sabia que tenias raizes latinas!” which translates to: “ah, ok now it makes sense, you see? I knew you had some Latina roots.”

Yes, I do see; it all makes sense, señoras.