2021: The Year of Connection, and Re-Connection

January 13, 2022

2021: The Year of Connection, and Re-Connection

2017 was the hardest year of my adult life.

2018 was the year of major healing.

2019 was the year of "fun."

2020 was the year of internal peace, evolving activism, and external chaos.

2021 was the year of connection and re-connection.

At the beginning of 2021, I met my partner and fell in love. What this felt like for me - well, many things - but more than anything - joy, and deep connection. Love, and true partnership, changed my whole life. You can read more about that experience, here.

If you know me, community and true connection is everything to me, so it's more like a default mode. I love to connect. In fact, it's my life purpose. I've said it many times: I am here, to connect. But in the midst of 30 years of prioritizing deep friendship, and connection in community, my relationships with my biological family transformed and fizzled, for better or for worse, on both sides of my family. Note: I was raised by my dad, but my mom's side of the family is big, united, and mostly functional (especially now that my mom has passed, no sugarcoating that). They are mostly all in Kansas.

All 8 siblings with their mama

Then 2021 came along, igniting me to re-evaluate and re-visit my relationships to my biological family. Two major events presented me with the opportunity to re-connect:

1. the death of my biological mother and

2. the opportunity to visit my biological half brother in Texas.

My mom passed away in July 2021. You can read more about that, here. She has 7 siblings, 6 alive. Five live in Kansas and one in North Carolina. They decided to have a beautiful service for her in early December near Kansas City, Kansas; followed by their annual Torres Christmas party. The service was beautiful: My aunt Barbara gave a fabulous summary of my mom's life, and all the roles she held. I gave a small homage, thanking my mom for giving me life. And my aunt Bernadette closed us with an absolutely honest, beautiful, raw, heart-breaking and -warming poem that she wrote about my mom's life and personality. My whole family was thrilled about my presence, even though most of them do not know me very well. I felt so loved, so much like I belonged there, and just at peace and ease. After the service, my uncle Chuck DJed some groovy tunes and we all danced and ate the afternoon away.

Most of my cousins

Particularly lovely: my dear friend Kathy, who just moved to that area from CA, and her daughter, who has lived in the area for a long time, were able to join me for the service. It's especially special because her daughter had developed a loving relationship with my mom in the last two years of her life.

Precious friends

I spent four days in Kansas, enjoying my time with this lovely side of my family. I got to connect with all my cousins, folks in small groups, and some one-on-one. I cherished every moment because that is my family; I belong to them and they belong to me. This feeling of belonging... so sweet. How much, as humans, do we do, say, believe, etc... just to feel that we belong, to something or someone?

My beautiful aunts, my mom's sisters

Me with me aunts and uncles

So that trip was amazing, to say the least. Fast forward to Christmas time, when I went to San Antonio Texas to spend time with my partner, his mom, and the rest of his family. My lovely partner had the thought: do you want to reach out to your half brother who lives in Houston, to see if he wants to see you? The thought would have never crossed my mind, even though I had re-connected with him over email around the time my mom had died. We hadn't seen each other or talked to each other in 20 years. Not for any real or bad reason - the communication just faded. And the unspoken truth: what unites him and me, is something that for the most part is kind of dark, tragic, upsetting, and complicated. Our mom.

Me and my brother

My brother was excited when I reached out and told him I would be in Texas, and made arrangements with his family and work in order to spend a whole day with me in San Antonio. He drove 3.5 hours to me, and back, with his oldest son, who is 21 years old. It was one of the best days of my life.

Me, my brother, and his son, 2021

To put it briefly: my brother is a lot like me. Smart, sensible, intellectual, and easy to talk to. We talked about politics, and work, and our stories. We talked about heavy things, like our experiences with our mom [whom he was raised by, for nearly 18 years], and his role in my custody battle. He shared so much with me, with such an open heart. I really admire him. He's a survivor of so much darkness with my mom [I won't share his story, since that is his to hold and share]; it's a miracle that he turned out so wonderful, and has a great relationship with his partner, two sons, and step-son.

Perhaps the most shocking part of our time together included him sharing his role in the [my] custody battle. He was nearly 18 years old, and to put the story briefly: after a lot of time, and a lot of trauma, he decided to spend some time with each of my parents and me (without the other one present) to see who might be better fit to raise me. He ended up concluding that he was going to support my dad, and testify against my mom. Ultimately, my dad ended up winning full custody of me, and my brother's support was likely a big factor in this.

My brother and my dad

My brother knew he was choosing the lesser of two... I shouldn't say evils, because that was exactly the difference between my mom and dad: both were substance users, neglectful, and irresponsible. But my mom had a maliciousness to her that my dad did not have, at all. In December 2021, I got to look at my brother and tell him that after all these years, I have a good life, and that he made the right decision.


Sleeping :)

It was a miracle to me that we could sit down and spend the day together, with his son, my nephew, as well. That we both survived hell and trauma with our mom - and him - 18 years! I loved hearing his perspectives, and ultimately, they made me view him in a totally different light. He was an angel, my teenage brother, looking out for me and doing all he could so I wouldn't have to go thru what he went thru.