Nostalgia? Yearning? Dreaming???
Is it possible to feel nostalgia for something in the past that you truly haven't experienced? I am asking myself this question, because more and more I am wishing that I were in a past time, years before smart phones and car pollution and the numerous problems of the modern world. I sometimes imagine myself in this dreamy past decade somewhere in South America...somewhere where at any point I could join the guerillas and fight for independence from the colonizadores.
!!!
I get it now, why people have fetishes for things vintage. Maybe I am one of those people. I have always presented myself as someone who loves modernity, and in a lot of ways I really do. But sometimes I just want to go back to a time when things were simpler, and perhaps correct some of the causes of the world's major problems.
I feel this especially in fast-paced Los Angeles. I live on a very busy street, where riding my bike and pulling into my apartment drive way feels so threatening and scary. Everything is so fast paced; everyone is driving so fast. I am especially sensitive to this after spending so much of my young adult life in Santa Cruz, and after coming back from a short trip to Montevideo, Uruguay; one of the most tranquil capitals of one of the most tranquil countries of the world. A few weeks ago I went back to Santa Cruz for a Synergy photoshoot and my sweetheart met up with me there. We went to eat breakfast at Cafe Brasil on a Sunday morning (of course, it was very busy.) and he made an interesting observation: nobody had their smartphones out on the table. Here in LA, it's impossible to catch people without their phones. Even working in healthcare, sometimes doing a patient´s intake is complicated by their constant phone use. (We all know that I have no problem telling them to stop, but it's always unfortunate!)
People wanting to be somewhere else. People striving for that "goal"...their whole life. It's always going to be better in the future when X thing happens...
What happened to enjoying the present a little bit? It's all about a gentle balance, right? Making smart choices for the future and enjoying your day to day life. I have found it hard lately, being where I am.
I'm not entirely sure what the point of this blog post is. Maybe I am writing about all of this because I am thinking about my future a lot. Having a job that I like (relatively speaking) in a recovering economy is cozy. But, I know that I have to go back to school eventually. And I have never felt so wretched about it. I don't know if I want to do a PhD or an MPH and everyone is telling me to go to med school and be an MD...meanwhile I am just dreaming of living in coastal Colombia...fishing and climbing for coconuts.
But I am so complicated. I have to do something with all this knowledge and these skills that I have. Evolution, women's health, infectious disease, and languages. It shouldn't be so hard, right? My desire for simplicity in a past time comes from my complicated nature just not fitting in. I want a simple life where I can be at peace and appreciated for my complicated brain.
!!!
I get it now, why people have fetishes for things vintage. Maybe I am one of those people. I have always presented myself as someone who loves modernity, and in a lot of ways I really do. But sometimes I just want to go back to a time when things were simpler, and perhaps correct some of the causes of the world's major problems.
I feel this especially in fast-paced Los Angeles. I live on a very busy street, where riding my bike and pulling into my apartment drive way feels so threatening and scary. Everything is so fast paced; everyone is driving so fast. I am especially sensitive to this after spending so much of my young adult life in Santa Cruz, and after coming back from a short trip to Montevideo, Uruguay; one of the most tranquil capitals of one of the most tranquil countries of the world. A few weeks ago I went back to Santa Cruz for a Synergy photoshoot and my sweetheart met up with me there. We went to eat breakfast at Cafe Brasil on a Sunday morning (of course, it was very busy.) and he made an interesting observation: nobody had their smartphones out on the table. Here in LA, it's impossible to catch people without their phones. Even working in healthcare, sometimes doing a patient´s intake is complicated by their constant phone use. (We all know that I have no problem telling them to stop, but it's always unfortunate!)
People wanting to be somewhere else. People striving for that "goal"...their whole life. It's always going to be better in the future when X thing happens...
What happened to enjoying the present a little bit? It's all about a gentle balance, right? Making smart choices for the future and enjoying your day to day life. I have found it hard lately, being where I am.
I'm not entirely sure what the point of this blog post is. Maybe I am writing about all of this because I am thinking about my future a lot. Having a job that I like (relatively speaking) in a recovering economy is cozy. But, I know that I have to go back to school eventually. And I have never felt so wretched about it. I don't know if I want to do a PhD or an MPH and everyone is telling me to go to med school and be an MD...meanwhile I am just dreaming of living in coastal Colombia...fishing and climbing for coconuts.
But I am so complicated. I have to do something with all this knowledge and these skills that I have. Evolution, women's health, infectious disease, and languages. It shouldn't be so hard, right? My desire for simplicity in a past time comes from my complicated nature just not fitting in. I want a simple life where I can be at peace and appreciated for my complicated brain.
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| UC Santa Cruz circa winter 2009. |
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